What an auspicious day. We woke and the early-freeze was
gone. The mercury jumped 20 degrees, sun shining like good fortune itself. The
animals are thrilled. Birds and frogs are warming up for an orchestra in the
forest. The cowherd over the fence is uncharacteristically gossipy. Roosters
and dogs are relaying important news between the farms. Even a Red Tail hawk
circled the property a few times screeching when we came outside as if to say
“Hello Sabrina, the world salutes you with this good day, you glorious being you.”
I know what you’re thinking. I’m not biased just because it’s my birthday.
In morning practice I hit my 144th Qigong
practice. (I’ve been tracking my progress towards this goal by making a beaded
necklace, see “Bead by Bead”). Today I earned the final bead – a big piece of
silvery flower-carved hippie bling. I tied it off, and ceremoniously put it
around my neck, “Ooooh look at me! Well done, Sab!” Fearless, the stray cat who
does sitting meditation with me each morning in the space-cabin, looked up at
me and nodded his approval.
 |
| Fearless & I |
Okay so I may’ve “accidently” overslept and skipped a few
days of Qigong this week so that this momentous occasion could fall on my
birthday. But as I explained to Fearless, sometimes you have to massage good
fortune a little – you rub my back and I’ll rub yours kinda thing. Maybe I
think fortune has feelings too.
Hungry from this eventful morning session, I went inside to
find a display of crystals and little birthday gifts around a plate of French
toast with real maple syrup, toasted walnuts and warm berries. Frankie had read
my mind and made my most wished for birthday breakfast.
 |
| My beloved magic elf genie. |
Okay so maybe my detailed list of birthday ‘wishes’ on the
fridge helped. I could’ve enjoyed my meals with warm gratitude – to have a
partner so lovingly meet my princessy request, but no. Instead I relished in
the belief that my partner is a psychic genie and delighted in the ‘miracle’ so
that every bite was taken with an ecstatic smile.
Thirty-five journeys around that beloved sun out there.
In here, rather.
We’ve become so ‘rational’ that going inward in search of
the sun almost seems like insanity, doesn’t it? Yesterday I finished reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s Love Letter to the Earth. Poetry and physics,
compassion and chemistry - he basically repeats the same message of inter-being
a hundred different ways until you suddenly realize you’ve been sucker punched
in the gut chakra and feel the sun
and the stars, the earth and the rain inside there. It happened for me a few
days ago, at page 102:
"Dear Mother Earth, …Sometimes I
forget . Lost in the confusions and worries of daily life, I forget that my
body is your body, and sometimes even forget that I have a body at all. Unaware
of the presence of my body and the beautiful planet around me and within me,
I’m unable to cherish and celebrate the precious gift of life you have given
me."
So here I am smack dab in the middle of my 9 month
sabbatical and finally I’ve receive a succinct sentence to sum up my mission. Thank
you Thich Nhat Hanh! Page 104:
“Dear Mother Earth,
My deep wish is to wake up to the
miracle of life. I promise to train myself to be present for myself, my life,
and for you in every moment.”
This ‘training’ is ideally something we can turn towards in
the midst of ‘real life’:
academic study,
student debt,
career path,
earn cash,
think,
plan,
do
These have had the better part of me for… gosh, a good
30years now.
I’ve been slowly working other personal developments around
the edges of my ‘normal’ life. But it's hard that way because most of this growth requires little daily habits done consistently over time. So now I’ve given myself this gift - to step
out of the busy life for 9 months, to bring to the fore those
heart-body-spirit aspects of myself that’ve been relegated to the backburner so
long*. Time to:
write
awaken my soul
learn how to pray
learn an instrument
use my hands creatively
find my lost sense of wonder
cleanse & strengthen my body
practice theatre of the oppressed methods
deepen bonds with beloveds & community
develop and commit to a regular morning practice
& discern the trajectory of my destiny, to know where to
go next.
The ‘self-training’ portion of my sabbatical is wrapping up.
(See “Farm Wife Photo Essay”!) In two
weeks I leave the sanctuary of Frankie’s farm to begin guided training on the
more esoteric pursuits: Shalom Retreat leadership training, one week each month
December until March; and a two-year program of Sufi Studies at Suluk Academy
(eight intensive weeks spread out over the two years).
While this birthday marks the halfway point of my sabbatical
on the calendar, the climax still lies ahead, with lots of psycho-spiritual
climbing before me (not to mention traveling on a shoe-string budget).
Maybe I will
suck at leading the Shalom retreat process. Maybe I won’t find god. Maybe I will
end up in debt, lost and disillusioned with myself. Maybe people will say I was
being lazy all year and no one will ever hire me again… But I won’t follow the
river of these fears. This is the day I blow wind into the sails of my own
heart leaping after what it wants.
I can feel the full moon rising up towards the horizon to
meet me. Soon it will dazzle the whole farm, a final portent for a good year
ahead. To top it off, my blood started an hour ago, lending a sense of
moon-earth-tide-me attunement that I choose to believe will make my full moon birthday
wishes even more powerful. Maybe success will only be as true as I make it
by the force of my own believing.
So say it again Sab.
What an auspicious day!
~me
In a space-cabin on Frankie’s farm, somewhere North of Siler
City, NC
*Medicine Wheel teachings I have been exposed to and Integral Theory (especially related to lines of development) both instruct
that healing and growth require some degree of balance between development of various
aspects of self. My sabbatical is also following Steven Covey’s advice to ‘put
first things first’ and prioritize what is ‘not urgent but most import
No comments:
Post a Comment